mandeblog

Penis footage

2006-08-22T09:25:00.000+02:00

Well, Brad was right and the rest of us were wrong. We found out last week at our gynae appointment in PE that Bean is actually a boy! Its been a bit of a mind-shift for me but I am now very used to the idea of having a little beanie baby boy growing inside me. We also had a long scan which gave us lots of time to look at him and his hands and legs and feet and beautiful little face! He was lying on his side with his hands under his head and his little legs crossed over. So sweet. We also have penis footage and there is nothing uncertain about a penis. We also got to take home a DVD of the scan which was very exciting. I must have watched the video a dozen times in the last week. He is now 24 weeks old, 30cm long and weighs about 630g!

No sign of a penis

2006-07-28T10:53:00.000+02:00

For those of you who don't already know, Bean is a girl! Well, the doctor is 'reasonably certain'. But I've known all along so its no surprise for me :)

What not to say to your pregnant girlfriend

2006-07-21T12:15:00.000+02:00

"It looks like the time for stretchy pants has arrived!"

Bean's favourite song

2006-07-13T10:47:00.000+02:00

Kaze wo Atsumete by Happy End (featured on the Lost in Translation soundtrack). The lyrics can be found here.

We were playing a little game with each other in the early hours of this morning. I would tap my belly 5 times and she would wait a second or two before tapping back. Not sure if it was a kick or a poke or a headbutt, the first few times she did it straight away, but then she either got bored or distracted by something else because after that the game only worked about 60% of the time. It was still pretty incredible to be communicating with her.

I spent last night reading Frederick Leboyer's Birth without violence and it has really inspired me to focus more on the environment in which I want to give birth rather than the actual physical place. The reason I want to give birth in Grahamstown and at home is because I know that it is the environment in which I will be the most relaxed and comfortable. And the more relaxed I am, the less fear I will have, and the less pain there will be. I feel completely confident in my ability to be able to give birth to this baby and welcome her to the world. After reading Birth without violence, I have opened my eyes a little wider to being conscious and sensitive to ensuring the sacredness of her birth for her and for me.

Now that I have set my intention, there is just the details that need to be taken care of. Namely, finding a midwife to assist with the delivery. Some might say that it is more than just a detail but as Brad's philosophy goes "It will all work out fine in the end". I'm starting to believe that more and more each day.

On discovery and rediscovery

2006-07-09T14:28:00.000+02:00

I am currently going through a strawberry Super C phase. This all started a few days ago, when I noticed a roll of these pink sweets roll out of Pippa's bag. After having one, I immediately needed to have another and then another until the entire lot was finished. When I went to the Pick 'n Pay to get some more and couldn't find them, I almost had a panic/rage attack. I soon calmed down once I managed to locate them on the shelf. I am now onto roll 3 since then. As soon as the sweet hits my tongue, an overwhelming sense of well-being floods in. Today happiness only costs R3.99

I've been over tea for more than a month now and yesterday after watching a play, we went to Evolution and almost without noticing, I ordered a pot of rooibos. And to my surprise I actually enjoyed it! I will have to give it another chance and see how it goes.

Catching up

2006-07-07T14:14:00.000+02:00

17weeks
Originally uploaded by mandebach.

When I wrote my last post, little did I know that I was sitting at the airport 3 weeks pregnant! After being a week late, I did a pregnancy test in the early morning of the 10 April and according to the instructions, the results would appear after 5 minutes. To my astonishment, the results appeared mid-pee.

That was 13 weeks ago and things have been progressing smoothly up until now. The mood swings and irritability of the first trimester have quietened down, (but still show face every now and then) the morning sickness has completely stopped (hooray!) and my energy levels are back to normal (just like all the books promised). My bump has been growing steadily and I am looking forward to flaunting it on a nearby beach in the summer months. Right now, it is mostly being nestled under various layers of warm things.

PE Airport

2006-04-03T14:01:00.000+02:00

Blogging at the airport is n'ah. Thanks to my motorola phone. And Darb.

Hapland

2006-03-27T15:43:00.000+02:00

Thanks to my brother, I am now addicted to Hapland. Darb and I managed to finish the first one and now I am on the second one and stuck. Anyone got any pointers?

Blogging in Bed after Breakfast

2006-03-26T09:48:00.000+02:00

We went to see Jane Goodall speak last night at the Monument. She is Dylan's hero and he was fortunate enough to get to introduce her. It was so cool to see him up there, he was totally brilliant! A little bit nervous, but really sincere and humbled by the whole experience.

When Jane started speaking, I was totally mesmerized. The quality of her voice and of what she was speaking about completely hypnotised me, I could have listened to her speak for hours. She was so inspiring that I really do feel and believe that I can make a difference. I can't afford to be apathetic any more. Echoing Ben Harper's words "I can change the world with my own two hands. Make it a better place with my own two hands".

Dyl went on to have dinner with Jane and a few other people, while the rest of us went to the Trading Store on High Street for dinner. It was also Ingrid's last night in Grahamstown and she ended up treating all 10 of us to dinner! I had the Zanzibar Aubergine Curry and a nice glass of red wine. It was a beautiful evening all round.

So whether it was due to the inspiration of being in the presence of Dr Goodall, or because I had a relatively early night, I was up at 7am this morning. Went to the shop to get some milk, came home and cooked up a batch of crumpets and 'surprised' Brad with Breakfast in Bed. I say 'surprised' because he actually came into the kitchen before I was done and the surprise was almost ruined. He quickly ran back to bed and pretended not to have seen anything.

And since then I've been lying in bed with Brad next to me, both of us catching up on Bloglines, listening to Aretha Franklin, Jack Johnson (Curious George soundtrack), and African Dope Records.
Brad has started to work now and I dont feel like trying to get his attention any longer so I am going to play with the chickens. I have a week before I leave for Cape Town and have a long list of things to do before then, including finishing my beaded bag. Hope you all have a happy sunday.

10 Things to do this year

2006-03-24T10:15:00.000+02:00

1. Get a tattoo
2. Get belly button pierced
3. Get dreadlocks
4. Start learning Xhosa or Zulu
5. Speak French fluently
6. Take more photos
7. Make people birthday presents
8. Start rock climbing
9. Cut out chicken and beef from diet
10. Drink warm water and lemon in the morning instead of coffee

Make Believe and Maple Leaf

2006-03-23T14:01:00.000+02:00

When Brad and I returned from the Transkei we were introduced to our new digsmates: Make Believe and Maple Leaf.

They are so cute and I have been spending a lot of time with them during the day.

Unfortunately when we all woke up this morning, Maple Leaf had passed on to another place and left her little body behind. We had a funeral this morning in the corner of the garden.

Make Believe seems a little lonely even though Crystal is really trying her hardest to fill the gap of 'big sister'. Dyl, Cam and Kyla have just left to go and buy some more chicks to keep Make Believe company.

Dwesa Nature Reserve

2006-03-23T09:54:00.000+02:00

Spent a week in the Transkei at the Dwesa Nature Reserve with Brad and other MSc students from Rhodes and Fort Hare. They are working with a community in Dwesa, and in particular Mpume School, and have loaned them 4 computers and are in the process of teaching the teachers basic computer literacy. The teachers will in turn teach other members of the community and hopefully at some stage, be able to earn some money by doing so.

I was feeling a bit bleh the day we left because I was getting over a bladder infection, but armed with cranberry juice and citrus soda, we hit the road to Fort Hare. It was about 5 hrs drive before we had arrived in Dwesa. It was rainy and quite cold. We were staying in these log cabins on stilts in a forest, next to the beach, Incredible. The cabins reminded me of the chalets in Richards Bay when we went to the RBM thing in standard eight. They had exactly the same layout and smell even.

We didn't have any electricity which was quite nice. And you realise how walking into a dark room and feeling for the light switch is such an ingrained part of living in the last hundred years. It was also nice to be spending so much time with Brad and being able to see the work he is doing and also be a part of it in some small way (I spent a few days helping to teach the teachers). It also made me realise that I need to start doing something soon. It has been wonderful being on this extended holiday, but I am definately starting to feel a bit restless and want to be involved with something bigger than just my life. It was a really rewarding experience and I'm really glad I went.

Maya Belle Joseph

2006-03-23T09:41:00.000+02:00

Beautiful Maya was born on 6 March 2006. She had a water birth at home in the bath. I am going to visit her on 3 April and can't wait to meet this brand new person!

Welcome to Grahamstown

2006-03-23T09:26:00.000+02:00

I am really loving being in this sleepy hollow, this is exactly what I have been wanting for a long time. The days start off very quiet, and I spend my mornings playing house-girlfriend which consists of doing washing, making the bed, cleaning the house, reading, yoga, gardening, watching movies. Then Brad comes home from work for lunch, and all our other digsmates too, and we all bond and eat and drink and laugh and be merry. In the afternoons, I sometimes go climbing or play squash or swim in the dam.

There are 5 of us living in this house: Dylan, Cam, Barbara, Brad, me. It is a very beautiful, creative, happy house to live in and always feels and smells like holidays. Each person has a turn to cook for everyone, which is great because then you only have to cook once a week. And then evenings are normally spent beading my bag (if I make enough beaded bags, i'm hoping to sell them at festival), or watching movies (the grahamstown 'network' has more than a terrabyte of movies,
tv series, music etc!), or just sitting around chatting to everyone. Brad has set up a wireless internet connection and I have just bought a new laptop so I am still enjoying the novelty of being always online from anywhere in the house! Right now, I am blogging in the back garden.

It certainly is a very different lifestyle to the one I became used to in Johannesburg. No stress, no traffic, no pollution. I'm eating really healthy, lots of exercise and am very happy. I miss all my friends though, but Linda is now in Grahamstown so it has been awesome having my very own friend a 5 minute walk away! Also, am very quickly becoming attached to Brad's friends, they're the type of people that you feel you've known your whole life.

Week Five: 4 - 7 feb 2006

2006-03-23T09:21:00.000+02:00

Highlights include:

* Sheena and Travers' wedding ++
* A trip to Barra Reef Lodge
* Driving back to Maputo in an airconditioned 4x4 (nissan xtrail)
* Seeing a bit of Maputo, going out for dinner with Rita, Hans and Raquel
* Arriving home safe and sound

Lowlights include:

* Saying goodbye to Tofo

Week Four: 27 jan - 3 feb 2006

2006-03-23T08:29:00.000+02:00

Highlights include:

* Brad phoning me
* Moving to Fatimas for the remainder of my stay in Tofo
* Hearing hundreds of stories from people all over the world
* Drinking coconut milk out the shell with a straw
* Meeting up with Sheena, Travers, Lloyd, Liesl, Richard, Mr & Mrs Solomon
* Hiring Rei Davida
* Cyclone warning excitement
* Moving out of Fatimas and sleeping on a real bed
* Eating amazing seafood
* My parents, Jenny and Charlie arriving
* Moving in to Casa Barry
* Preparing for the wedding
* The rest of the guests arriving
* Friday night at Dinos, everyone together, one big party, Travers and Rui DJ
* Skinny dipping in the warm Mozambican current after midnight with the girls

Lowlights include:

* Seeing a dead giant sea turtle washed up on shore
* Being embarrased by the loud, drunk, ignortant and patronising South African holidaymakers in Tofo
* Tent getting flooded during a hectic storm

Week Three: 19 - 26 jan 2006

2006-03-22T21:26:00.000+02:00

Highlights include:

* Having Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins on this trip with me
* Morning yoga with Roland
* Walked to the end of Tofinho and sat on a wooden bench overlooking cliffs and crashing waves (little did I realise that this was going to be the spot Sheena and Travers were married)
* Went to Bamboozi's for a seafood buffet and beach party and chilled around the fire with people from all over the world, met Josh and Cecil from Norway -great people- and danced barefoot on the beach under the moonlight
* Drew up a list of things to do this year:
* Frequent calls from Hester and Hannah
* Went up to Vilanculous which led me to:
- Swimming in beautiful azure and turqoise waters
- Meeting Melody, Jules, Ben and Shara
- Discovering Baobab Beach Backpackers and their amazing view of the sea
- Listening to Jack Johnson from a hammock
- Going to the Bazaruto Archipelago by dhow
- Snorkelling the famous 2 mile reef
- Climbing up a ginormous sand dune
- Camping next to a magnificent Baobab tree
- Seeing more stars than ever before
- Tasting a Rolanculos (recipe still to be published)

Lowlights include:

* Fighting off swarms of mosquitoes at the Zombi Cucumber backpackers in Vilanculous
* Jules getting Malaria

Week Two: 11 - 18 jan 2006

2006-03-22T20:02:00.000+02:00

Highlights include:

* Meeting Nigel and Jade and braaing a huge barracuda that Nigel caught that morning, and getting tipsy on local spirits
* Watching a storm approach while sitting on Tofinho beach with Maria and staying until it was pissing down all over us
* Purchased my first airtime vouchers ever and received smses from Brad and Sheena
* Going to an Internet cafe for the first time and making contact with the rest of the world
* Met Juono who works at the local market and promises to give me Portugese lessons every week
* Having the whole of Tofinho beach to myself every morning and meeting Yoda and his mates
* Full Moon Party at Fatimas and being able to witness an incredible moon rise over the sea
* Moving in at Fatimas and making new friends (Adolph & Andrea)
* Still not smoking
* Daily siesta
* Days full of games: jenga, table soccer, pool
* Reading and falling asleep in hammocks
* Waking up and swimming in the sea
* Roland arrives

Lowlights:

* Meeting Kate and having to endure 2 days of her
* Pots get stolen outside my house
* Missing Darb terribly
* Being lonely in a room full of people

Week One: 3 - 10 jan 2006

2006-03-22T12:16:00.000+02:00

Highlights include:

* Braaing a large Barracuda in our back garden
* Cyclone Lafawndah which lasted 2 days
* Inventing a hundred words for damp
* Discovering the Pooh Poncho
* My first ride in a chapa
* Discovering the Sweet Things at the Pastelaria in Inhambane
* Buying Telburt a heart (parafin stove, which meant that we could cook food when it was raining)
* Morning walks from Tofo to Tofinho along the beach with Brad
* Snorkelling with a whale shark
* Sweet potatoe and coconut curry at Fatimas
* Dhow ride to Maxixe across the Inhambane Bay
* Making my first pot of mielie meal pap

Lowlights include:

* Saying goodbye to Brad, Dylan, Lara and Brenna on the morning of 10 Jan when they all headed back to SA

3 January 2006, Tuesday

2006-03-09T20:58:00.000+02:00

I forgot to mention that Telburt has been a champion so far.
So we set our plan into action. Neville and I were going to go for an early morning swim, our camp would be packed up and Brad would take Telburt and try and make a getaway without being detected and nqobviously without paying. We would rendez-vous at the old hotel down the road.

Neville and I reached the hotel, saw no sign of Darb, so went for our first Mozambican swim. It was nice. By the time we got back to the car and were on our way out of Praia do Xai-Xai, we were hit with an attack of the conscience and went back to pay the full amount. R45 each seemed a little price to avoid the bad karma. And off we went on the bumpy ride to Tofo.

The landscape started to change, the sea started to become more turquoise, the number of coca cola signs stayed the same and Telburt remained a champ. Over potholes and sand roads and gravel roads we sang, 'Telburt Telburt Telburt Telburt Champion! Telburt Telburt Telburt Telburt Champion!”

We stopped in Inhambane and went to the market for water and bread and fruit and veggies and then travelled on another 25km to Tofo. We turned off the tar road following signs to the Albatross hotel. Once we arrived at reception, we picked up our hidden map to the house that Dylan had left underneath the vase of the fake flowers. And as easy as that, 2 houses down from the hotel and we had arrived at Casa Kemp! I met Maria, Lara, Brenna and Petros and it was nice to see Dylan again and nice to have arrived.

to be continued..

Telburt, Telburt, Telburt

2006-03-08T13:19:00.000+02:00

So its about two months late, but I am slowly going to be recapturing my days in Mozambique on this blog, to share with all of you. There are also loads of pics that I need to upload as well.

2 January 2006, Monday
And so started our trip to Mozambique. Brad and Marc stayed over and we left by 5am. We arrived at Golela at 9am and made our way through to Lomasha (the Swaziland-Mozambique border post). Along the way we had to pay a 'speeding fine' for going 89 in a 60 zone, even though there were no speed signs along the way and all the other cars whizzing past us, as Brad negotiated an amount with the police, were doing at least 100km. This was blunder number two.

After driving away from the Namaacha border post you instantly knew you were in a different country. Buildings that were once brightly coloured, now faded and dilapidated, a strong aids awarenees presence, speed limits as low as 30, and after our Swazi experience, we were determined not to get another fine.

It seems as if a Coca Cola truck drove through Mozambique and stopped off at every town because their branding is everywhere. There are also mango trees and coconut trees and pineapples and cassava and bags of cashews everywhere.

We arrived in Xai Xai late that afternoon and decided to spend the night there and then travel to Tofo the next morning. We made a quick stop for petrol and beer, the latter was welcomed with open arms after a long hot day of driving.

We found the campsite, which was crawling with GP number plates. Judging by the number of ZA cars we passed on our way there, the place must have been overflowing with South Africans over New Years Eve. I had never before seen a tent kitted up with TV and satellite dish (presumably for DSTV).

The three of us then went to the beach which looked surprisingly like Umhlanga beaches, with as many Afrikaners. It was only after we had got back from the sea and had cracked open a pineapple and cassava for supper and the sticky juices ran down my chin and arms, combined with the sea saly and sand and tabard, that this trip began to feel like really being in Mozambique.

Quote of the day
Marc: “If we leave earlier is it cheaper?”

Let loose yourself

2005-11-18T07:37:00.000+02:00

Well its been a while since my last post. Let's catch up:

* Today is day 59 of not smoking
* I have 20 days left of work
* And 30 days left in Joburg
* In 34 days Brad and I will be starting our diving course in Durban
* 12 days ago I went bald
* In 9 hours I will start my Quest training (it took 3 and a half years to get here)

Seems like the last quarter of this year is all about change and shaking things up a little and challenging myself and letting go. Or as they say in India, "Let loose yourself".

Countdown

2005-10-17T10:13:00.000+02:00

1 month, 3 weeks, 5 days left...

Giving up Smoking by Amanda Joseph

2005-09-29T11:37:00.000+02:00

It has been 9 days since my last cigarette and it feels fantastic. Day said it took him a year of not smoking (after smoking for 10 years) before he could really taste properly again. I can't wait. I really like Day, he's a great guy. Like he once was a stranger and after our first conversation it felt like we became old friends. We used to call him Mr Leoni Haines. But that was just an in-joke. And we were also a bit drunk.

Giving up Smoking by Wendy Cope

2005-09-29T11:35:00.000+02:00

There's not a Shakespeare sonnet
Or a Beethoven quartet
That's easier to like than you
Or harder to forget.

You think that sounds extravagant?
I haven't finished yet-
I like you more than I would like
To have a cigarette.

secret admirers

2005-09-23T15:31:00.000+02:00

i haven't had one of those since standard seven and even then it wasn't so secret. this time round, its a middle-aged german bloke at one of our clients. Since going there this morning and having very brief interactions with him (i.e. 'Good morning'), i have received 4 emails from him. Some of them have titles like "Have a wonderful day" or "Indian Beauties", some of the attachments have teddy bears and hearts. "Aren't girls sposed to like that kind of attention?" someone at the office said. i think its just a bit sad, really. But mostly funny, i guess.

What the #%*& Do We Know

2005-08-29T13:16:00.000+02:00

Saw this movie this weekend and it was awesome. Check it out.

My Lunch Hour

2005-08-24T14:52:00.000+02:00

I normally left the office at lunch time, but lately i've been bringing my food to my desk. These are typically some lunch time activies:

Reading Bloglines

Blogging

Researching our Mozambique-Malawi-Tanzania-Zanzibar-Tanzani-Malawi-Mozambique trip

Reading mailing lists like LinuxChix and AfricaLinuxChix

Looking at Darren's photos on Flickr

Latest reading

2005-08-24T14:35:00.000+02:00

The last few books I've read:

Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer

The Beach by Alex Garland

The Buddha of Surburbia by Hanif Kureishi

Gabriel's Gift by Hanif Kureishi

A Million Little Pieces by James Frey

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Currently reading:

Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas by Tom Robbins

The Black Album by Hanif Kureishi

Countdown

2005-08-23T14:02:00.000+02:00

In three months, three weeks and three days time, it will be my last day in Joburg (and SevenC). YAYAYAYAY!!

London Days

2005-08-19T18:04:00.000+02:00

Darren has uploaded some old photos here.

2 more sleeps.

2005-08-12T15:02:00.000+02:00

Ordinary things like taking a bath
have become injected
with fervour.
And oomph.

The purest titillation,
is just seeing you.

bad drivers

2005-08-12T09:46:00.000+02:00

the rage is growing. hopefully writing this post will help me release some of this negative energy. i almost had two car accidents this morning, due to unconscious johannesburg drivers not looking in their blind spot and trying to come into my lane with me squarely in their way. the first one occured on the way back from swimming and was caused by this doddering old man who quickly moved back into his own lane once i slammed on the hooter. he then proceeded to try and cut into my lane again, missing my car by a few millimetres. he had the decency to raise his arm up in apology. i gave him the finger. when i'm president, old people will have their licences revoked.

then 20 minutes later on my way to work, driving happily down beyers naude, just after northcliff corner, there's a taxi that's stopped in the slow lane (as they do), i'm in the middle lane, and this chick thats behind the taxi tries to overtake it by being half in her lane and half in my lane. again, i slammed on the hooter, and swerved to the right to avoid her car bashing into the side of mine. thank goodness there weren't any cars in the fast lane. and here i cant use the excuse of unconscious johannesburg driver, because i wasn't in her blind spot, i was right next to her at one point, she saw me and still thought she could push her way in. and the worst part was that she didn't seem phased by having almost just caused an accident. she didn't apologise or even acknowledge what had happened, and merrily drove off. i hope she gets a flat tyre in the rain when her cell phone battery is dead, in the middle of a deserted road. the karma train is on its way, bitch.

i feel much better now.

look at me then

2005-08-12T09:43:00.000+02:00

today i swam 40 lengths. and rested after every 5 laps of the 25m Linden heated swimming pool. my best effort yet. hooray for me.

london morning

2005-08-11T12:40:00.000+02:00

woke up this morning to a blanket of fog and mist in an overcast brixton. being on top of the hill, you couldn't see further than a block in either direction. Pippa sent me an sms to remind me of how it felt like a London morning.

While i was sitting in my big bath after my swim, looking out my window at a grey sky, I remembered how often it was grey in London. You would wake up in the morning, look out the window, acknowledge the greyness, again, and carry on with your day. And on the precious few days a year when the sky was blue and the sun was out, you would be texting your friends to make plans to spend lunch in the park with your shoes off and your jeans rolled up.

And being back in South Africa for 4 and a half years now, I've completely taken it for granted. Every morning is blue skied and sunshining. No, really. This morning was such a novelty (especially here in the highveld) that one is immediately filled with a sense of excitement and expectancy. Maybe its because we had our first few drops of rain on Tuesday, that there's this nervous anticipation of whether spring is really going to start mid-August or not. It will mean that January and February next year are going to be oh so dry, but i'll be sipping pina coladas in Zanzibar and swimming in warm, shallow waters anyway.

Paid Volunteer Opportunities with Geekcorps

2005-08-10T14:13:00.000+02:00

Anna posted this to africalinuxchix the other day:

In bringing the World Wide Web to the whole wide world, Geekcorps, a volunteer-based international nonprofit development organization, is looking for volunteers to travel to Africa for several challenging IT programs that are changing the role of information and communication technologies in the developing world.

Volunteers willing to work with people and innovate with minimal technical equipment in a developing country are needed immediately (Summer-Fall 2005) and would stay in Africa about four months. More volunteers will be needed in Winter 2005-06 to continue the experience. Geekcorps can offer great benefits besides that warm & fuzzy feeling from doing good. International airfare, expat-level lodging, decent living stipend, and dedicated in-country staff are provided. Daily challenges and rewards are guaranteed.

Interested? Apply here.

Am very keen to do something like this and have been for a while now. Although, right now, holiday in Zanzibar and Mozambique at the beginning of next year is priority. Would like to look into this when Darb and I get back from playing in our African back garden.

In other news, I have accepted Darb's proposal to live with him in Grahamstown next year for a few months and have officially handed in my resignation for the end of the year. Things are moving in the right direction and I am welcoming these changes with open arms.

Baby boom

2005-07-22T16:11:00.000+02:00

There seems to be lots of babies around at the moment. Nicole and Peter welcomed Ajualuna into the world a few weeks ago. Hannahkin Skywalker is expecting her niece Nicola to pop out of Danella in a few weeks time. Albertus and Magriet's little one is going to be born like next week. Linda became an aunty again earlier this year and now I'm going to be an aunty again too! How exciting! Now that I know she's already here and growing and stuff inside Nadine's belly, I really can't wait to meet her (or him). Milan is going to be the cutest big brother. Seeing him with his little brother or sister is going to remind me of how Michael was with me when I was a baby. Even though I don't remember it.

Also lots of dreams about babies are floating around. I had the wierdest dream about Pippa being pregnant with a see through belly so you could see how and what the baby was doing. And then there were two very pregnant women at two different clients that I went to today.

After Hours

2005-07-05T20:13:00.000+02:00

I am at the office, migrating all our hosting clients from a local server to a server in the States (namely because of bandwidth reasons and associated costs.)

Its 20:14pm. I have a beer. And about 30 more sites to do. I'm aiming at finishing 13 of them tonight.

In 36 hours I will be on my way to Durban for 6 days of holiday.

Hooray!

Go South

2005-06-03T13:23:00.000+02:00

The South Project is a series of events designed to engage and celebrate the creative energies of the south. Planned over a five-year period, the South Project is unique not only in its longevity but also in its focus on 'the south' in a climate of increasing globalisation. Designed to foster dialogue between cultures of the south, the South Project began in July 2004 with a gathering in Melbourne, Australia, of representatives from fourteen different southern countries. South 1 established a network and direction that forms that basis of the creative exchanges of South 2: The Journey. South 2 will involve residencies (2005), workshops (2006) and publications (2007). These dialogues will feed into a Festival of the South in 2008. Planned activities for this year include an event at this year's designEX in Melbourne called Latitude that includes a space for visitors to learn about what is happening in the design cultures of other southern countries.

(Taken from Enjin mag March/April 2005)

An ode to Darb revisited

2005-05-26T10:31:00.000+02:00

Darb said to me this morning "Why don't you write me poetry like there is on my blog now?"

Here is my response in a haiku:

it often feels like
i made you up in my head
too good to be true

And here are two others by Jack Kerouac that I like (although he doesn't really keep to the whole 5-7-5 thing):

The bottoms of my shoes
are clean
from walking in the rain.

Glow worm
sleeping on this flower -
your light's on.

Natasha Katherine Rani Sachsenmeier

2005-05-04T15:21:00.000+02:00

I was seven when my cousin Natasha was born. Rosemary is my dad's sister and Natasha is her only child which makes her my only cousin on my dad's side of the family. Rosemary moved from South Africa to England when she was 16 (and stayed with family in Wales) and has lived in England ever since. Natasha's father is Peter Sachsenmeier, who is German. By the time Natasha was 4 she could speak (and read and write) English and German fluently and had started learning French. She was already playing the piano and violin at this age. Rosemary and Natasha live in Oxford just off the Banbury Road. Rosemary used to lecture Music at Oxford University, but now, does mainly private music lessons.

They came to South Africa for an extended period of 6 months or so when Natasha was a baby because Rosemary was doing her Masters in Music through the University of Natal and her fieldwork was in rural Zululand.

I remember changing Tasha's nappy and feeding her and playing with her. They came for holidays to SA fairly regularly up until 1999 which is when I went to live in London. I was there for a couple years, so got to know my baby cousin (she was 11 at the time) pretty well during the time.

The last time I saw her was a couple years ago when they were here on holiday. Even then I couldn't believe how much she had grown up! And now, she is 17 and she has got into the Royal Academy of Music to spend her gap year working intensively on the violin and will be living in London. Rosie sent these pictures of her today. And I'm starting to feel old.

They are trying to plan a trip here soon, but with Natasha's committments, its been quite difficult. I can't wait to see them both again. Definately two of my favourite people.

Miserable Jozi

2005-05-04T15:14:00.000+02:00

Being in Cape Town was awesome. Seeing my friends and family was even better. I want to live there. Its one of my favourite places in the world, I don't know why I live in miserable Johannesburg where the main topics of conversation seem to be traffic, road rage, pollution, corruption, crime. I can see why Darb hates it so much here. I've already started looking at prospective career opportunities in the Cape, so maybe it will happen sooner than we both think.

Kaap Stad

2005-04-29T07:44:00.000+02:00

I fly to Cape Town tonight to visit the Joseph juniors. It feels like I haven't seen my family in a while, so its going to be so great to see them three. We might also take a trip up to Sutherland which will be cool. Its their 2yr anniversary tomorrow, and thats where they got married - the Gateway to the Universe, how romantic!
Its also the coldest place in South Africa. It was minus 4 there yesterday morning!

And I'll also be seeing Sheena and Travers who I haven't seen in so long, and we will play catch up and talk about the wedding plans. How exciting! Every time I go to Cape Town on holiday I decide that this is where I want to live next. Maybe at the end of next year, who knows.

Hail the Storm

2005-04-25T12:42:00.000+02:00

We had the most incredible hail storm last night. Lots of rain and thunder and lightning. We were watching DVDs at my house, the volume was on max and we still couldn't hear through the noisy storm. It really is great having a tin roof. Onree came over with Resident Evil 2 and nice red wine. Once the rain had stopped and the clouds started to move along, the gap in the sky uncovered the brightest of full moons.

Milla Jovovich is salacious.

It was so cold that there were still mounds of hail in the corner of the garden this morning. I tried to make a hailman but it didn't really work. Winter is definately here. The oak trees in Auckland park are brown and shedding. The sky this morning was an amazing winter-blue and the clouds, the prettiest I've seen in a long time.

Come warm the house

2005-04-13T11:38:00.000+02:00

Its Ali, Linda, Daniel and Richard's house warming on Saturday. The theme is purple. Its going to be great fun. Will have all my favourite Joburg people in one place!

I am going to see The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou with the boys (Onree, JQ, Darb) and whoever else wants to come on Sunday.

Darb is also on his way to Jozi as I type. He should be arriving sometime this evening. I'm trying to focus on keeping busy so that the hours will tick away and before I know it I will be with my boy. However, right now my mind is far away from work and all I'm managing to do is darby doodles on the clients's proposals and project plans. I'm still humming the tune to the song I made up about him coming to visit me (lame, I know) called Darbtime.

In the famous words of Pippa, "I'm just a love-sick fool..."

Where in the world is the dude?

2005-04-07T14:23:00.000+02:00

So Gareth left at the end of February for his trip around the world. We haven't received any emails as yet (well, I haven't) so not a clue about where he is now and what he is doing. Hannahkin and I have decided to stick up a map of the world and play a mixture of Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego and pin the tail on the donkey. If anyone has details on his whereabouts, please drop me a mail.

Better Together

2005-03-30T15:14:00.000+02:00

(Jack Johnson)
There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come we're so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together

[Chorus:]
MMM its always better when we're together
Look at the stars when we're together
Its always better when we're together
Yeah, its always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find there way into my dreams tonight
But I know that theyll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
But tomorrow night you see
That theyll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find there way
Into my day to day scene
Ill be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll Sit beneath the mango tree

Its always better when we're together
Somewhere in between together
Its always better when we're together
Yeah, its always better when we're together

MMmmmm MMMmmmm Mmmmmm
I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is no time,
And there is no song I could sing
And there is no, combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're Better together.

where's waldo?

2005-03-30T15:00:00.000+02:00

Onree says "mmm..theres a common thread here.."
Checkit

Linkage

2005-03-30T12:45:00.000+02:00

Spent a couple hours yesterday browsing around the Interweb, trying to find more info and research into the types of organisations that are out there (Africa in particular, the world in general) that work with ICT and development in 3rd world countries, relating to the stuff I'm keen to do next year on my African travels. This was spurred on by an email I received from Institute of Network Cultures inviting me to Incommunicado 05 which is a conference on the growing 'ICT for development' (ICT4D) sector and its conceptual and organizational idioms.

I dont really know how they got my details, and it does feel like they mistook me for Darb, because this is right up his alley, but it got me thinking and browsing and hopping from one site to another. My activities went something like this:

Waag Society for old and new media
SARAI: the New Media Initiative - a space for research, practice and conversation about the contemporary media and urban constellations.
Bridges.org: ICT-Enabled Development Case Studies Series: Africa
EACOSS: Eastern African Center for Open Source Software
i4d: The i4d (Information For Development) print magazine is one its kind, and is intended to provide a much-needed platform for exchange of information, ideas, opinions and experiences, both inside and outside the Information and Communication Technology for Development (ICT4D) sector.
iConnect Online: promotes the effective exchange of experiences and knowledge on the use of (ICT4D).
IICD: International Institure for Communication and Development
WSIS: World Summit on the Information Society
Linux Solutions: company in Uganda
Article on 'How Linux is Changing the Face of Education in Africa'
Creative Commons: really just wanted to see my gorgeous boyfriend
Dgroups: starting point for fostering groups and communities in international development

Burn Baby Burn

2005-03-30T11:52:00.000+02:00

In keeping with tradition (well, more habit than tradition, but anyway) I went to Nandos after yoga to get my usual starter chicken livers and a roll (HOT) for supper. I was extra hungry though, perhaps due to a light lunch or an extensive yoga session, and decided to get a 1/4 chicken as well - MILD, because, well, lets face it, I'm not that hardcore.

However, I made the cardinal mistake of not checking my order before I left and by the time I got home and was about to tuck in, I realised that they had given me a HOT 1/4 chicken. I've never had a HOT 1/4 chicken before. I can handle a HOT burger, but thats only because I have the roll and the salad to tone it down a notch. So add the HOT chicken livers to the HOT 1/4 chicken and you get one Mandy with a steady flow of tears down each cheek, blurry vision, runny nose, ringing ears, heart palpitations, lips ablaze.

I'm all for endorphines, but this was crazy madness. Needless to say, I suffered this morning. I still can't believe my brother has EXTRA HOT Nandos everytime.

Rock/Paper/Scissors

2005-03-30T10:28:00.000+02:00

I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat
scissors, but there is no way paper can beat rock. Paper is supposed to
magically "wrap around" rock, rendering it immobile? Why can't paper do
this to scissors? Forget scissors, why can't paper do this to people?

Why aren't sheets of notebook paper constantly suffocating students as
they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why-- BECAUSE PAPER
CAN'T BEAT ANYBODY! A rock would tear it up in 2 seconds.

When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when
somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I punch them in the
face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
paper would protect you."

Car Wash

2005-03-15T17:10:00.000+02:00

Well. I finally did it. After 8 months of being a slob, I finally took my car for a Full Valet, bells and whistles, inside outside, up and down kinda wash. At least now I can tick something off my to-do list.

LinuxChix Africa

2005-03-03T11:51:00.000+02:00

I've been meaning to get more involved in the Linux community in general and the LinuxChix community in particular, for a while now. And just the other day I received an email from my boss announcing:

LINUXCHIX AFRICA LAUNCHES AN ORGANIZATION THAT WILL POSITION AFRICAN WOMEN WITHIN THE FREE AND OPEN SOURCE (FOSS) MOVEMENT.

This couldn't have come at a better time. I've provisionally handed in my resignation for the end of this year, it might become just a period of extended leave (3 - 6 months), (I don't really know at this point), and will pack my backpack and go and play and adventure in my African back garden. I imagine the route to be something like: Mozambique, Zanzibar, Tanzania, Kenya (to begin with). And the idea of doing some sort of volunteer work and sticking around for a few months in one of these places has increasing appeal. And more and more I've been thinking about how cool it would be if I could use my Linux skills to contribute to social development programmes in Africa.

Here's an excerpt from the email:

The challenges of Africa are well documented, with HIV/AIDS representing the most significant development challenge of our times. Community development can no longer be viewed in isolation but require multi-tiered, cross-sectoral, and well-coordinated approaches that are aligned to Information and Communications Technology (ICT). Without ICT, communities get left behind and are unable to take advantage of the social and economic benefits that come with ICT. This integration of ICT into social development programmes is often referred to as eDevelopment, eHealth and eLearning and represent models of ICT intervention in development, health and education respectively.

With the advent of Free and Open Source Software, it has now become possible to make software available to people who would otherwise not afford it. With FOSS, countries will no longer have to prioritise between poverty and the digital divide. Also since women are the ones mostly affected by poverty and HIV/AIDS, it is relevant that they be properly tooled and positioned to make that difference in their lives. Furthermore, ICT is still male dominated, moreso the Open Source technical environment, so Linuxchix Africa will play a role as a catalyst that will demystify FOSS to the people who stand to benefit the most from it.

So I'm hoping to build up some decent contacts in the next few months, and explore opportunities that are available. I haven't been this excited in a long time. That feeling of doing something that matters, that will make a difference to people's lives is becoming addictive. Thanks to inspiration from the D-Arb, of course.

To paraphrase Hugh Macleod, I am removing the pillars. And starting today.

Memory banks

2005-02-24T16:07:00.000+02:00

Why is it that these people find it so hard to remember things?? Small things, big things, the same things. They ask the same questions over and over again. They ask me the same questions that is. And then they're surprised when I eventually lose it. I mean, are they smoking pot? Have they blown all their memory brain cells on drunken LSD binges in the eighties? What's going on here? Am I the only normal one?

WARNING

2005-02-24T10:46:00.000+02:00

I am in a very good mood today.

Please do not take it personally.

jingle bells

2005-02-23T17:30:00.000+02:00

darb arrives tomorrow evening.

im so excited.

it feels like christmas eve when i was six and i knew i was getting a bike cos it looked like a bike under the christmas tree even with the wrapping paper on. and even though it wasn't a surprise and i knew what it was, i could hardly fall asleep because i was so excited about jumping on it and riding it the next day.

thats how i feel now.

Salacious

2005-02-15T15:45:00.000+02:00

adj. conveying undue or excessive sexual interest. (thank you sista!)

eg. Jolene Blalock is salacious.

yoga++

2005-02-11T09:28:00.000+02:00

Look after the roots of the tree
and the fragrant flowers
and lucious fruits
will grow by themselves
- B. K. S. Iyengar

I started going to Iyengar yoga classes with Gudrun about 3 years ago. I would go for a couple months, then not go for a couple months, then go for 6 months, then skip the next 8 months. So its been on and off like that until November last year. Since then I have stuck to it and made a committment to myself to stick to it and it feels fantastic.

I'm now at the point where I can see and feel my body being brought into balance and am witnessing an increase in mobility, stability, strength and alignment. At the same time, I'm feeling how the intense concentration and focus (that I've been getting better at maintaining), draws the attention inward, quiets the mind at the same time bringing together both mind and body.

I find myself standing in thadasana in queues or getting up in the morning and needing and wanting to spend 10 minutes stretching. Right now I've been stiff for the past 2 weeks, so stretching feels really good.

And Pippa has joined the Thursday class as well. Afterwards we went to Xai-Xai for half price pasta night. Yummy veggie caserole baked pasta dish, tall glasses of water, hot bath at home, was so tired that I didn't even read my book and went straight to bed.

happy happy to me

2005-02-09T17:38:00.000+02:00

It was my birthday on Monday. I am now twenty four years old. hip hip hooray!

I had nothing planned for the day, except the usual: work, dance class from seven to eight, go home, make dinner, read a bit, go to sleep. It was slightly depressing that there would be no hoo-haa and that the day would slip by like any other ordinary day. I knew I wasn't going to make a fuss about it and for a brief moment had decided that maybe thats what happens when you become a grown-up: birthdays cease to be really special.

And boy was I wrong! The morning started off with wonderful Charlene organising me my very own chocolate cake with real candles that I had to blow out and everything, then a flood of smses and phonecalls from loved ones scattered all over the world from Rio to Auckland and a few places in between. Pippa sent me an sms to meet her at Primi Piatti for a quick drink before dance class, and I really didn't expect to see the whole gang: Andre, Charlene, Linda, Ali, Jaco, Tammy, Carey, Roy, Paul, Daniel, and of course dear sweet Pippa who had organised it all from party hats and flowers for the table to streamers and musical straws. Needless to say, we skipped dance class and opted for JamJars instead. Will post photos on my gallery as soon as Ali develops her film.

It was so lovely to see everyone in one place, I've decided to throw myself a birthday party purely for that reason: to have my favourite people together and to have an excuse to get raucously loud and drunk. Will have to be the weekend of the 18th me thinks, since D-Arb should be arriving on the 25th and there will be more important things to do than just getting loud and drunk.

Oh and Happy New Year. Finally, the Year Of The Cock Has Arrived! :)

one more week

2005-02-04T17:32:00.000+02:00

wow. its been a while. much has changed since my last entry and yet so much stays the same. I'm still in the process of pre-blogging the holidays, will put some time into it this weekend. For now, if you want to check out some pics, go to My New Gallery.

I'm off to the Zoo Lake Bowling Club to meet the girls (Ali and Linda). Pints are R6.50. But I've made a promise to only stay for 2 or 3 drinks. Have lots to do tomorrow and can't afford to be hungover and mif.

Received a most delightful birthday package from Grahamstown this morning. Besides that, today's highlight is that it is only one more week till I see Darb. My next week is already filling up so quickly, before I know it I'm going to be on a plane to Durban.

two and a half days

2004-12-21T09:03:00.000+02:00

today is the summer solstice, the longest day this year. and im proud to say that i was up at 4.22am waiting for the alarm to go off at 5am. watched the sky change colour from dark and stars to light and blue. cant believe i ever used to sleep with the curtains drawn. so much better waking up by the gradual change in day outside than by the piercing screech of an alarm clock. but we needed to leave at 5.30am to get darb back to randburg by 6am to leave for durban, so the alarm did help keep from cuddling all morning long.

went out to mezzaluna with darb and the illsleys last night. oh so yummy mushroom and blue cheese pasta. the best thing ever. so i've been at work for about 3 hours and its been so great to sit down and work without interruptions, AND i get to leave at 3pm this afternoon and finally start christmas shopping.

these holidays cannot come quick enough. bring on sunshine days and long crazy nights, good friends, unbridled fun and making magical memories.

Meteorite crater

2004-12-15T15:35:00.000+02:00

Well tomorrow is a public holiday (Day of Reconiciliation) and we are going to take a trip to the Tswaing Meteorite crater just north of Pretoria.

Here's the blurb:

Some 220 000 years ago a blazing stony meteorite the size of half a football field slammed into the earth’s crust. The impact formed a huge crater, 1,4 km in diameter and 200 m deep.

This crater, known as the Pretoria Saltpan (or Zoutpan), is situated 40 km north to the northwest of Pretoria. It is one of the best-preserved meteorite impact craters anywhere in the world.

The name Tswaing means Place of Salt in Setswana, one of the eleven official languages in South Africa. This name refers to a saline lake that covers the crater floor. As early as 120 000 years ago Stone Age people, and later ancestors of the San, inhabited the area. About 800 years ago, black people who spoke African languages like Tswana and Sotho moved into this area. Later people lived in the proximity of the crater, tending their cattle, growing crops and collecting salt from the crater floor. The lake’s salt and soda attracted white hunters and settlers, who demarcated the area into a farm and named it Zoutpan, and from 1912 to 1950 an industry producing soda ash and salt was based at the crater.

Should make for an interesting day, will keep you posted. (ha ha, get it?)

is this love?

2004-12-10T15:52:00.000+02:00

A softer world comic that sums up how i've been feeling this past week.

Open Letters

2004-12-03T16:27:00.000+02:00

Its 4.29pm and I cant wait for today to be over. Its was pissing down about 20 minutes ago, lightning and thunder directly above us, so close we even unplugged the ADSL. The hail has stopped now, but the rain continues to pitter down. I want to be sitting on a big comfy couch on somebody's stoep, with a mug of tea and a spliff watching the lightning show and listening to the rain on a tin roof.

But instead im still at the office and need to amuse myself for at least the next 58 minutes. Came across one of my old favourite sites again. I remember spending the first 10 minutes of everyday reading the latest open letter

Here's one of my top 5s:

San Francisco, California
June 21, 2000
Dear Deirdre,

I was in a bookstore today, in the plays section, which is a section I don't ordinarily spend a lot of time in. I was looking at Tom Stoppard plays -- I'd forgotten he'd co-written Shakespeare in Love until I saw the closing credits in your hotel room Saturday night -- like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, which I read the opening scene of, sitting cross-legged on the carpeted floor.

Then I picked up another Stoppard play, The Real Thing, and started reading it at the beginning of the first scene. There was music playing in the store, and at this particular moment it was "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off." You know: you say tomato and I say tomato. Picture this: the song's still playing, and I’m reading, and I get to the third page, where this man and his wife are having a disagreement about the pronunciation of a word, and the man, the character of the man, says, in a sing-song voice, "Let's call the whole thing off." And I read those words just as the song came to its jazzy conclusion, with the singing of that very line.

I looked around for someone to tell, but there wasn't anyone, and I wasn't sure how big a deal it was anyway. True, it was probably the only time that line occurred in any book in the play section, but it probably appears in other books; there’s probably a scene in some novel where someone jokingly sings "Let's call the whole thing off." And I don't really believe in coincidence; I know the mathematical fact that yes, maybe hearing "Let's call the whole thing off" sung while reading the line "Let's call the whole thing off" is a one in a billion chance, but I've read a billion books and listened to a billion songs while I read, and they've never once synched up until now, so it's just the law of averages that it would happen at this moment, on this particular afternoon. There's no significance behind the song, or the line, or the play, or the sentiment; I shouldn't take it as a sign to stage the play or buy the CD or, in fact, to call the whole thing off, or to decide on a thing that I might want to call off and then call it off, and give as my reason that I received a message in the form of the confluence of a line from a song and line from a play.

But it is a little weird that the scene I was reading right before The Real Thing, in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, is actually about probability and chance and meaning; it's the scene, as you probably remember, where Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are playing a game where they flip a coin and if it's heads Rosencrantz gets the coin and if it's tails Guildenstern gets it (or perhaps vice versa; I can't remember, even though I read it this very afternoon), and it keeps coming up heads (that much I remember), seventy or eighty times in a row, a billion-to-one chance, but as Stoppard has the characters discuss, there's nothing so odd about that; each flip is just as likely to be a head as a tail, so it's no surprise, really, that each one is a head.

What I wonder is whether life is better or richer or cooler if you go around believing in coincidence and signs and auguries, seeing meaning in every billboard and opportunity in every meeting. There's something about that kind of life that seems young and hopeful. It strikes me as particularly collegiate, though that may be only because in college I was hanging out a lot with Howard and Beverly, two of the most superstitious people I've ever met. They used to flip coins for every decision, from ice cream flavors to graduate school. They worshipped randomness.

There's a way of thinking about the world when you're young, before you've learned all the rules of social order and acceptable behavior and career path, where you think that anything can happen, when you believe in ghosts and angels and UFOs and government conspiracies and true love, and everything seems connected, or at least sometimes it does.

Like when I went to see Hannah and Her Sisters with Howard and Beverly and Ashleigh at Loews 84th, and in the movie Woody Allen is dissuaded from killing himself by seeing a Marx Brothers movie at the Metro Theater on Broadway at 99th, which was in fact the very same theater where I'd seen the very same Marx Brothers movie a week earlier, with Ashleigh.

Or the time when I was hanging out with Lara and Mary and Alexis in high school, and Lara and I were going out to eat or something, and there was a deck of cards on the table, and as we were walking out I cut the deck and said "four of diamonds" and turned it over, and it was.

I can still feel the feeling that I had on each of those two occasions, of wanting to be part of something big and significant and magical, and half-believing that I was; of half-believing that I shared mystical connections with the people around me, as well as with Woody Allen, or Tom Stoppard for that matter. I don't really feel that any more, even when I receive such a clear and obvious bell-ringing light-flashing sign as picking up entirely at random a play I've never read, by Tom Stoppard, a playwright who writes about coincidence, and starting on page one, and by page three a character is singing the song that's playing in the bookstore.

What did I want? A character to say, "Hmmm, don't you think Paul Tough should call the whole thing off?" And another character to say, "Yes, perhaps he should"? Would that have satisfied me?

Yes. That would have done it. But nothing less.

Yours,

Paul

Ugh~

2004-12-02T22:14:00.000+02:00

krismas party last nite
i am wif hungover
it r not pleasant

Stoping smoking

2004-12-01T16:45:00.000+02:00

Its been something that I've wanted to do for a while now, but I guess I haven't wanted to badly enough. Which is while I'm still 'trying' to stop and have not stopped. It makes a difference having someone rooting for your smokelessity, encouraging you and reminding you of why you want to stop. Because if its left up to me this is inevitably what happens: when I don't feel like a cigarette or when the smell of cigarette smoke revolts me or when I come back from a night out and I can smell it everywhere and taste the staleness in the back of my throat, then it makes perfect sense and I make absolute resolutions to quit. But as soon as the nicotine levels drop the next day, its seems like the most natural thing to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette, or a glass of wine and a cigarette, and how can you not have a beer and a cigarette??

So I need a new game plan: Just don't. Like last night for example, I so desperately wanted one for whatever reason, and yet I didn't have one.
I said, "no!" to myself (something i dont do often)
And myself said, "what do you mean no, its right there, just have one"
And i said, "self, i said no and thats that"
And self said, "oh ok. lets talk about something else then".
And after making that decision it was easy not to have a cigarette. Don't get me wrong, its the most difficult thing to argue with yourself because you always think you're right and so you give in to the habit. The trick is distraction and reward. Distract myself with a piece of chocolate (to satisfy the hand-mouth activity) and reward myself by knowing that I can actually give it up. I am strong enough. I'm all for baby steps. I'm one of those who used to hate diving into a cold swimming pool, but would spend 15 minutes slowly edging in, climitising my body as I went along. So it starts today. I have smoked 2 cigarettes so far today (for the record both happened out of boredom). Its our Christmas party tonight so its going to be fooking hard not to get drunk and chain smoke. Baby steps.

Sexercise

2004-12-01T12:52:00.000+02:00

The more sex I have, the more I like myself. I'm less easily annoyed and irritable. I'm starting to firm up those flabby thighs and love handles, in time for summer holiday on an island. I'm happy with myself and my life (mostly) and am feeling rather sexy in my skin these days. thanks darb.

Thought for the day

2004-11-08T19:14:00.000+02:00

Breaking up with a writer means you will receive the most descriptive and articulate 'hate' smses that you've ever received before. Today's favourite goes like this:

I can't believe the bitchiness of what you've just said to me.

I've been so good to you.

You dumped me but yet you try and play me for sympathy.

I have no desire to help you with anything,

when all you've ever done for me since we broke up

is make me feel confused and miserable.

You are a single cloud in my otherwise happy life.

I need you like a hole in the head.

Nice. Not much I can do about the way other people feel, regardless of whether its valid or not. And i've dealt and i've moved on which is why i can allow myself to not be upset by it. I've had 2 years of words like that thrown at me and i've finally learnt how to make them bounce off my skin and fall to the ground and disintegrate.

Pity that it had to come to this. Not experienced this side of a break-up before. Been lucky i guess.

Have been single for 3 months, 1 week and a day. Doesn't feel that long. Realising that if I care about myself as much as i say i do then i need to remain single for at least the next year. Which is exciting and also a good thought to have today.

Discovering a letter from Ali written on a piece of paper towel

2004-11-03T12:51:00.000+02:00

Mandebach
So the funny thing is that its 2.30am and im trying not to wake you up and the only piece of paper i can find is this Carlton towel.. and i feel like i haven't seen you for DAZE.. Ironic hey... seeing as we spend about six hours a day lying within 30cm from each other and i wrote this sms earlier to say i miss you and it would be loveli to see you some time between 6 in the morning and 3am.. but then i erased the sms.. so i didn't send you my thoughts @ that very minute and maybe.. maybe tomorrow we will find each other in between the twilight zone.. and i will send an sms without erasing it and we will STOP communicating via ink and paper and have a conversation and thank you for allowing me to live in your bootiful house and put my dirty feet in your bed every night and wake you up when i come home @ 2:30 in the morning and try to write you a note!!! Sweet Dreams or have a WONDAFOOL day @ work! love A.

soggy nachos

2004-10-28T14:33:00.000+02:00

If it weren't for my small oesophagus, I would have finished my supper last night. Instead I have soggy nachos for lunch today. which isn't so bad. better than lettuce leaves i guess.
Day one of my life as a blogger. Remove the pillars, it starts today.